Make it stop

I don’t like this feeling

This feeling of loosing you

For the second time.

The tears of fear and pain keeps rolling down my face,

When you are asleep is when I cry.

We lost eachother 17 yrs ago. Im not going to loose you again.

The fear of not having you by my side. As the emotions keep going and going as im trying not to feel the pain and hurt of thinking of loosing you.

Im not ready, I just got you back we have our future in front of us to live yet.



Never did I think that I would feel this way again. Who knew that two Jr High kids who are totally opposite would end up together. Typical teenagers the girl shy, smart, exotic (boys point of view) and the boy who was the typical boy who got in trouble in school.. From the girl stealing his hat and playing mercy with out giving into pain. To the Boy who tried to get his hat back 3xs a day or during lunch walking around on stilts. To the 1st kiss at Memorial Park, Claremont, California on 4th of July 1992. Not knowing if they would ever see eachother again. Because that was the day that when you told me that you had to move. The day when i stopped you from getting into a fight at the park and told you that it’s not worth it. Even if it was because the other kid starting to talk about me for stopping you from fighting.

25 yrs 2 days later July 6th 2017 we reunited after messaging back and forth as friends for 5 yrs. When both of our memories started coming back from Jr. High.

We were both scared and unsure of what the future would be let alone if we still loved eachother from long ago. Well Guess patience and alot of living life things came back together.

Well, YOU finally had the guts 25 odd years later decided to ask me to marry you.

This is something we have both been looking for just didn’t know that it would of been you David R. Rauch.. I love you babe thank you.


I’m so used to just getting up and leaving. Now I’m starting to think of everything that has happened to me in the past. I’ve stopped thinking about my past. Yet things still haunt me from the rapes. Abuse from my ex husband and things that happened to me when I was younger that nobody will discuss(that it never happened).

I’m tired of the pain and the uncertainty of if this is how I’m supposed to feel.

The why’s of why did you do this to me will be left unsaid.

I’M not afraid to tell my story. About the physical abuse, the rapes, and molestation that has happened to me.

It made me who I am today a stronger woman. I can get thru all things and beat the memories. Than there are days when I can’t emotionally or physically take it.

I am me take it or leave it. You can’t change my last neither can I, yet I can change my future.

What’s your story??

I wish

I wish i can just tell you how i really feel, I wish i can explain what is really going on.

I just wish i can explain what you see without being afraid. You read me like im an open book.

You know when im in pain, when im hurting inside, when something is bothering me, when im frustrated. All this and i dont have to say a word.

Its good to be back

Im feeling more and more back to the me ive been missing for such a long time.  The person who would just go after things and just do it.  The one who is not afraid to say something.  Im feeling my strength coming back.  

Im not as afraid anymore all though that fear is still there.  You have no idea how much we have changed eachothers lives.

Who knows whats in our future. I do know one thing is that the love we both have since 1992 is still going and strong. 

We are now 1. And together we will go far

Time tells all

Who would of known the shy girl would end up with the rambunctious boy.

Never have I thought that this day would ever come.  Who would of thought from a 1st kiss 25 yrs ago would of made an impact.  The day you told me that your parents were moving to another city was the day we 1st kissed and the last day we both thought we would never see each other again.

We both had an interesting roller coaster ride called life where many people would never of realized.  The day we met again was the beginning of a new life and the typical question still remains why did we wait so long? The answer still remains the same things happen for a reason and we wouldn’t be who we are today, if it wasn’t the obstacles we lived.


This is so very new to me

The look in your eyes when your just admiring me.  Hoping you cant see how im feeling. Holding back the tears not sure if im able to show you all the love i have for you. You tell me that ive shown you so much love already and i feel that i havent.

Those tears of all the emotions that i have locked up inside. From fear of not sure if im ready to show you to the im ready to show you. You have seen my tears. You feel my pain. I can not hide from you anymore.

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