Make it stop

I don’t like this feeling

This feeling of loosing you

For the second time.

The tears of fear and pain keeps rolling down my face,

When you are asleep is when I cry.

We lost eachother 17 yrs ago. Im not going to loose you again.

The fear of not having you by my side. As the emotions keep going and going as im trying not to feel the pain and hurt of thinking of loosing you.

Im not ready, I just got you back we have our future in front of us to live yet.


Never did I think that I would feel this way again. Who knew that two Jr High kids who are totally opposite would end up together. Typical teenagers the girl shy, smart, exotic (boys point of view) and the boy who was the typical boy who got in trouble in school.. From the girl stealing his hat and playing mercy with out giving into pain. To the Boy who tried to get his hat back 3xs a day or during lunch walking around on stilts. To the 1st kiss at Memorial Park, Claremont, California on 4th of July 1992. Not knowing if they would ever see eachother again. Because that was the day that when you told me that you had to move. The day when i stopped you from getting into a fight at the park and told you that it’s not worth it. Even if it was because the other kid starting to talk about me for stopping you from fighting.

25 yrs 2 days later July 6th 2017 we reunited after messaging back and forth as friends for 5 yrs. When both of our memories started coming back from Jr. High.

We were both scared and unsure of what the future would be let alone if we still loved eachother from long ago. Well Guess patience and alot of living life things came back together.

Well, YOU finally had the guts 25 odd years later decided to ask me to marry you.

This is something we have both been looking for just didn’t know that it would of been you David R. Rauch.. I love you babe thank you.


I’m so used to just getting up and leaving. Now I’m starting to think of everything that has happened to me in the past. I’ve stopped thinking about my past. Yet things still haunt me from the rapes. Abuse from my ex husband and things that happened to me when I was younger that nobody will discuss(that it never happened).

I’m tired of the pain and the uncertainty of if this is how I’m supposed to feel.

The why’s of why did you do this to me will be left unsaid.

I’M not afraid to tell my story. About the physical abuse, the rapes, and molestation that has happened to me.

It made me who I am today a stronger woman. I can get thru all things and beat the memories. Than there are days when I can’t emotionally or physically take it.

I am me take it or leave it. You can’t change my past neither can I, yet I can change my future.

What’s your story??

Lasting Memories

As the years have past I will forever hold onto the memories.  That stay in my mind my heart.  You will never be forgotten.  Things I do brings me back to the memories I had with you.  I truly love you with all that I have I’m afraid to let go and never see you again.  Was it my mistake to even let you go 

I’m afraid to wake up only because if I do you will disappear.  My heart cries out for you yet you are not near.

I keep searching and searching for you yet I can’t find you.  I don’t want your to slip thru my finger tips. I just wont  let you go from my mind my soul.  

Just another lost soul wandering the earth searching  aimlessly for something that was lost yet was there the whole time. 

Search deep deep inside of you. Stop just stop running. It’s time the circle ends now

I can’t

I’m tired of holding in all of the pain. I’m tired of feeling hurt. Tired of reliving the nightmare.  I’m not even sure if I even know who I am anymore. I’ve been holding in all the hate and the pain in for so long I can’t find my way out

I’m tired of running. Tired of holding in the pain. It won’t stop it keeps going Into circles and won’t stop.  I want to let go of the pain and heal just leave me alone so I can just go on.

It’s life

There are many people that run into your life. They are there for a reason

You may be in your life for help or you may need the help with out knowing.  

Who have you helped lately or who has helped you. 

Just a hello or a smile will help someone’s day.

Don’t give In

Don’t give Into that feeling you have inside telling you “You cant” “You Wont”  Haven’t you learned yet that your only holding yourself back?

Stop listening to those voice I  your head from negative friends and family.  Do you even realize that your the only one who can make your future and change your world?

Your past is your past. Learn on your mistakes and excuses and turn it around and make it Positive. Make it work. What are you doing to change your world??

Believe in yourself Believe tht anything is possible And make it work.  

I know we all have our us and downs.We need to stop dwelling  on the past and let things go.

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