I wish

I wish i can just tell you how i really feel, I wish i can explain what is really going on.

I just wish i can explain what you see without being afraid. You read me like im an open book.

You know when im in pain, when im hurting inside, when something is bothering me, when im frustrated. All this and i dont have to say a word.


Its good to be back

Im feeling more and more back to the me ive been missing for such a long time.  The person who would just go after things and just do it.  The one who is not afraid to say something.  Im feeling my strength coming back.  

Im not as afraid anymore all though that fear is still there.  You have no idea how much we have changed eachothers lives.

Who knows whats in our future. I do know one thing is that the love we both have since 1992 is still going and strong. 

We are now 1. And together we will go far

No more

It’s time that it needs to go away.  I want it to end. It needs to stop eating me from. The inside out.  Just leave me alone and don’t ever come back.  Just let me be stop bothering me.  I can’t keep you lingering in my life and ruining everything I try to do. 

Just stop. Stop coming back. I am going to get rid of what you have done to me.  Yet the pain is still there. Go find someone else to make miserable. Just let me be. I’m seeking help and you will stop haunting me.

Please just go. 

The failure of fails and making dreams

What are you doing in your life to make things happen??

Are you taking the full blame on your mistakes? Or are you blaming others to make yourself feel better.

What are your fears? Are you even able to tell anyone? My fears are rejection, not being able to communicate correctly, thinking if I have to introduce someone to a new project will I be able to have the correct words??  I’m my own critic I am fully aware of that I know I will make mistakes and keep failing I keep getting up and try again until I get it right.

Even than it may be wrong in my eyes it may be correct in someone else’s eyes.

How are you going to adjust in knowing you can fail are you going to give up or are you going to keep on going till you succeed.

What Are your goals how are you going to succeed? 

I want to cook/bake for people. I want to help others figure out what they want to do and show them that they are worth something.

Nobody needs the negativity in their lives we need people who can build each other up and surround ourselves around like minded people.

You are the only one to make the change are you ready to take that ride?

Just remember its not your fault

I want to talk to you about a sensitive subject men and women alike.   Whether you are a male or a female dont feel ashamed about the abuse you have gone thru whether its verbal, pbysical,or emotional.   Do not be ashamed of the abuse speak out.  Your NOT the only one who has/is going thru it.  Ive covered this topic before but not as intense.

This is my story from the beating of my Ex husband.  My ex husband didnt speak english very well so he asked one of the guys to help him with some english words he was from Guatemala.

I met him at work he was nice and he wasnt the abusive type well before we had gotten marrried May 2000.
The night before we both got off work at 2 am. We than drove to vegas arrived at 6am we got our licensing to get married found a chapel and got married and drove back. Thats when things changed.
We were both tired but i really dont remember what the arguement was about.  It had to do about me being his wife now and i had to do what ever he said and when he wanted things done.
I must of said something and he didnt like it.  I know I was on the floor he was straddling me and I remember my head was banged against the floor several times.  I remember waking up in my bed he slept on the couch.  As I woke up I felt dizzy I couldnt even walk. Icrawled to the bathroom and threw up. And went to the living room called my manager Frank and told him what happened and said I couldnt work but my husband was. And feel back to sleep on the floor.  Now I realized that it was a small concussion that i had gotten from him beating me.

We had moved out of California to Carrollton Georgia. Things didnt change the fact is it got worse. His jealousy of guys at work talking to me. From when i worked with to to when i work at a meat factory. When I worked at Mcdonalds we had a bad fight about the same thing happened in california it happened in Georgia expect this time was worse in the end his hand print were left around my neck bruisedeft side of my face and my left ear was purple inside and out.  My eardrum was blown from him hitting me in my ear with a cupped hand.  I took A shower my ear stung so bad i was in pain. Went to work 2 hr early.  Talked to my manager i knew i couldnt be behind the counter when not working. But she saw and told me use the phone.  I called the police l did make a report and told them i wanted to press charges but they didnt.

Than i started working for a meat packing plant and thats where i knew enough. Is enough. He has hit me for the last time when i told him not to come closer to me or id break the window(it was really thin) he came towards me and well my fist went thru the window and he asked me what was my problem was i crazy???….

Thats when i knew i needed to leave him for good.
I was at work one day and i had my car he must of borrowed someones car and still denies it.. I saw him drive by thru the windows of the breakroom. I had gone to my car and noticed that the trunk of my car was keyed bad. I talked to security they called the police. My friend Ishmiel was there with me waiting and one of the girls also. I did my statement and i hadnt gotten paid yet so my friend had gotten. Later on that week i went to move in with an aquataince of my friend from work.  I went to get the rest of my stuff from my husbands apartment it was pouring rain i was stubborn enough to grab all of my stuff rain or no rain.. One of the guys from work was in the apartment across the way. Watching and making sure my husband was not going to do anything.. I grabbed everything that had to do with me and him so there was no proof at all that i lived there…

I was done with all of it. And ive told him many times that the American woman are not alike the women in guatemala.  We fight back and made sure we are heard if something happens to us…
When i moved back to California i had gotten my divorce. He was not going to be able to get his papers to be a resident at least not from me..

Ive been able To talk about this abuse for at least 14 yrs. I was afraid to talk about it at first but, realized that its better to talk to people about it and help other people get out of the situation that they are in just by listening.

Your not alone it not your fault. They will keep beating you no matter what. Get out of there make sure they dont know where all your friends or family live so you have a safe haven to go to if this happens again.

Have a good day. Just remember its not your fault. Only you can stop the abuse nobody else.

You will always better than what they tell you won’t amount to anything.

starting off the new year 2012

Well the new year of 2012 is literally right around the corner what are you going to do for your new year? Any plans any thing you want to do to change in your new year? Kinda funny how life is and how round and about on how things turn out.  if you had the opportunity to change your ways or outtake of everything? What would you do if you thought something was but it is not?  What would you do if you were told one thing and then was told that it was a whole lie and that you were never really in an existence?  If your could make it up to anybody that you had hurt in the past would you take the new year and fix that relationship with that person to say im sorry?? What if the shoe was on the other foot?

Just please remember that all your actions no matter what you do or even say can result in ruining a friendship, relationship or a family member.  Every one you meet you have an impact on their life one way or another.

It’s a new year let’s try to make an impact on someone for the better.  Question for you to think about what would people think or say about you if You died today? Would it be good or bad? I would want it to be Good

just another day

just another day goes by and you have to stop and wonder, who, what, and where are you going today.  One time one day at a time. how many people do you run into in a day? Have you ever stopped to think about what they have gone thru in thier lives before even meeting them or even judging them on how they dress?

Was your life as hard as the next person? In your lifetime do you think you would leave an impression on others what would they say to you?

Previous Older Entries